google + has it wrong ... i am not all caught up. i am left, behind. I complain, yes, in my own self ... but whether or not you know does not matter ... what had mattered to me is that i had wanted to stop. i don't go up the ladder, for even should i start to climb up, the ladder is turned upside down and i find myself going back down. i climb over one mountain only to be faced with another mountain to climb ... over and over and over again ... never getting to the place where it is i belong. you say i belong here, and all i am left with is the thought you say such because you are there ... follow that through and you will understand the complaint still within me. 

what do you want me to do?? fight others? why? i have nothing with which to fight them ... like i have done any better for myself. i care, but not enough to speak things i do not understand. what song is it you would like me to sing that i have not already sung? if you're expecting something from me, be specific when making your request. maybe i am to be rejected. is it what i desire of you? i desire you ... i hope for you ... i cry for you ... how well do you really know me? you must ... and you seem to be rejecting me in the most painful way possible .. in  a way where i can only fail so that i bear the shame of not bringing about what it is i most desire. you offer in a way where the only possible way we could fail is the only sure we could fail ... by me, who will have no one else to blame but me. as if i did not already blame me. 

maybe i should just put myself out there ... again. how many times though till it is enough? how many times will i be picking myself up before i can accept myself and be myself, freely? or am i this. maybe i should, to see. truth is ... 

Remember, everyone will have their own version of what you should do and who you should be. Shabbat is the time to listen to your internal harmony, to orient yourself and hear the singular music of your own soul. Shabbat Shalom.  ~ Rabbi David Wolpe ~